No veiwers

 Hello guys 👋, if u are reading this ...wow because no one seems to use blogger and it seems noone is veiwing or should i say reading what i write. its really sad i had soo much hope of creating an audience but yea...disappointment 😔🥺. Idon't know what to say nor who I might be saying it to but yea I'm about to tell you a little bit about me.

High School Emotions
 When I was a child, I barely socialized. I kept away from people; I tried to build a barrier. I did this because I thought the outside world was not safe, and if you weren’t careful, bad things would happen.
 I learned that friendship wasn’t something you simply agree on with someone; it was something that happened, something that was felt by both sides. It was like an understanding that only exists between the two people. Not only that, but I also learned that friendships come in different shapes and sizes. It can be between the most beautiful and the ugliest people, as long as they feel a connection.

Okay, what you’re about to read is my totally honest and heartfelt truth about my high school life — or at least how I view it.

High school life is not at all how I thought it would be. Believe it or not, I always thought it would be like the movies, but… yeah, it’s not that simple. First, I want to say: You know that feeling you have right before you do something, something you really think you need to do, but then when the moment comes, your legs get all rubbery, and you probably forget exactly what you were going to do and the reason you’re even there? Well, that’s exactly how I feel right now as I’m writing this.
 You want to know why? It’s because some unknown person who has lost something very precious of mine doesn’t want to look for it, and my insides are boiling because I… Well, let’s just say that no matter what, I don’t think anyone really gets what they’re looking for.

Yeah, I can’t finish right now, but uuuuuf, what I feel is deadly.

Fast forward, I’m struggling, I’m homesick, I can’t make friends, I don’t know how to act. I just got lost. I lost me. And the only thing that felt familiar was my Bible, so I stuck to it, and I continued to until grade 10. I don’t know what happened in that grade, but I just… distanced from God, and a part of me thought nothing of it. It actually took me a while to realize I was far from where I used to be.
 I got IG, I DM’d some people, I tried to make friends, but then I felt like I was forcing things and distanced myself again. Then I came back because I felt like I was letting the friendship break, but that’s when I realized the people I called my friends couldn’t care less about me. I was…

I think I focus more on the bad things, but I don’t know how to know if I’m doing it or how to stop. I have a lot of problems, I guess, but… yeah, I’m figuring things out right now.
 I think some of the friendships I have now are still a little toxic, but there was a point in my life where I just wanted company and accepted anyone who came. I regret those moments but can’t change them.

But here’s the thing… the more I think about it, the more I realize that everything I went through wasn’t just “random pain” or “bad luck.” It was me learning myself in real time. It was me seeing who I really become when I’m hurt, when I’m lonely, when I’m confused, and when I feel like the world is spinning and I’m standing still.

I think what scares me the most is how easy it is to get used to being alone. You tell yourself it’s just for now, just until things make sense, just until you figure out who is real and who is pretending. But then months pass and suddenly you notice… you stopped talking, you stopped trying, you stopped showing up. People think you don’t care, but the truth is you care too much, and caring has disappointed you so many times that you’d rather pretend you don’t feel anything at all.

And honestly, I hate that about myself.

There were days I woke up and felt like I was stuck inside a version of me that I didn’t choose. Like the real me was behind some locked door, banging and yelling, but I couldn’t open it anymore. I wasn’t the loud kid, or the funny one, or the outgoing one — I was just the one who survived the day and hoped tomorrow would be softer.

I think the weirdest part of high school is that everyone is pretending. Even the people who look like they have their whole life together… yeah, they don’t. Some are scared of being irrelevant. Some are scared of losing the one friend they have. Some are scared of being exposed. And some — like me — are scared of being invisible and being seen at the same time.

Somewhere in between trying to grow and trying not to break, I started losing track of who I wanted to become. I slipped into routines, into friendships that drained me, into habits that weren’t healthy. And every time I would feel myself drifting away from myself, I’d tell myself I’d fix it “later.” But “later” kept running away from me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is… high school didn’t ruin me, but it did rearrange me. It stretched me, cracked me, confused me, and forced me to face emotions I didn’t even know I had names for. And even though I’m still trying to figure myself out — still trying to heal parts of me I didn’t even know were hurting — I’m learning to see that maybe I’m not broken. Maybe I’m just… growing.

"Well rn I am in grade 11 and I started this blog when I was in grade 10. It was initially for my English class, but later on I decided I wanted to actually write and create an audience. At first I thought maybe it's just slow, you know, but I slowly realized that almost no one will see my blogs because almost no one uses it. Honestly, I feel bad and sad. Anyway, I went to this boarding school called Oshigambo High School and yeah, my parents made the decision to apply there. I just wrote then... I wasn’t accepted, but I was put on the waiting list."

And when you come back again, maybe I’ll finally be able to tell you the rest — the parts I’m still scared to say out loud, the parts that still sting, the parts that made me who I am right now.

Because trust me, there is more.

also if u actually read this, im also on all poetry here is a link "https://allpoetry.com/" as 

--.grace25--

😁😁