I don’t know what I feel

Emotion, you identify it because
It grips the heart and tugs
My emotions are under the rug

Life is bittersweet
Some moments you are happy, others you are sad
For a whole different reason
All I feel is emptiness
Not pain or joy, not defeat or
Misery, not temptation or anger

Numb, my feelings have gone on halt
Somehow, it’s not my fault
When a girl sees her crush, her heart jolts
Mine is silent, shy, and rubbed with salt

“It doesn’t make sense,” I say to myself
It’s like I put my heart on the shelf

My mind is stagnant — “brain-dead”
Theoretically
I have a cold heart — “stone heart”
Metaphorically

This is not a good poem
But that’s what I call ‘em
I don’t really know them
I wish I could show them

I’m incomplete
Next to an empty seat
My heart doesn’t beat
I don’t feel the heat
I feel cold all the way to my feet

“She is happy and always smiles,” they say
But behind the biggest smile
Is the biggest ache

It hurts, but the more the pain
The bigger the smile
“She is antisocial and has no friends”
It’s true, not more than you could count on one hand

“She is kind and sympathetic,” they say
Their words sting like a burn
“It’s not true,” I will myself to say
But don’t

I’m judgmental, I just keep boundaries
Saying I am kind is like saying I can swim across the sea

The judge and critique locked behind bars
My emotions bottled up in a jar

They can judge, I don’t care, I will myself to believe
But fear and doubt tug and creep up my sleeve
I’m fragile; if a lump formed in my throat
I would not be able to hold back
I’d bellow and cry until there were no tears to shed, and all I could utter was a sigh

I’m dishonest to people, and mostly to myself
I lie and think it’s for their own good
But their good ends in my bad

I can’t say I’m sad or happy, and neither
Can I say I’m angry or lost

Every word I utter feels fake
Even if it’s real
I never realized how fragile my heart is
Trapped in my little lattice

I never made a friend
Might as well be hated
Life is lonely, with no one acquainted
On a canvas not painted

Do I fit in?
They are talking, I join
But they don’t hear me out

They continue, I try again
They don’t hear me; I feel like I should shout
They talk about their lives
But mine is a bore
They ask me to do something
And expect me to say “sure”
Apparently, I am a buzzkill
I’m always the third wheel

No love, no joy
Not anger or something about a boy (sometimes)
Just shyness to deploy

I talk, they don’t listen
I reply, but they make their own decisions

I’m invisible; no one sees me
I’m just a tall, ugly, dumb, unnoticeable, naïve, sheepish, friendless, predictable, black, blind, dismissive abomination of nature

Yes means no
The question was clear
And just as I fear
The answer is no
I’m not friend but foe

They depend on me
To give them a strategy
I just want to flee
Climb up a tree and be free
I ache when I tell them no
I don’t know why
But clearly, it shows

I have a study buddy
Who’s not my study buddy

She asked me a long time ago
I was afraid to say no
And said yes and tried to lay low

Study buddies help each other
I help her, but she doesn’t bother

I like my space
Lies on my face
“Yes,” I said, but no was to be said

The things I did
You don’t want to know
The things I put up with
They seemed very low

I need help…

Do you really ever know how much you are worth?
Suppose a dime or a cent at birth
Buried with mirth
I struggle to realize
How others sympathize
I feel victimized

I thought I knew someone
But allegedly not
We never fought, there was nothing I sought
Thought that I knew them enough to know that they would never leave me
Now I see that it was not in my destiny

I have someone I love
He is kind and sweet
His apologies are no treat
He is loving and joyfully him
He understands and misunderstands
Love is an understatement to what I feel for him
He is my best friend
Worth more to me than a grand

I am pale on the inside
Frail on the beach side
In fear of being denied
But I still love him

I am irritable and inwardly conspicuous
I am jealous and I am not worthy
Open-booked and stricken inwardly
Heartless yet broken-hearted
Dumb and dumb-minded

Words bring me down more than any weaponry
My heart is a broken depository
I hate myself, yet have learned to love the worst of others
My flaws and faults are more of an abomination than any cult
I am clearly not perfect, I am barely given respect

Who knew anyone could have such low esteem
Someone disposable and not part of the team
Not nearly as important as everyone else may seem

Shy and suspicious to the brim
Dangerous yet harmless
They say they see me, yet I know I am invisible

After a fight, I feel diminished
I am a whole that has been divided
A mess of bad thoughts, coincided memories
A fragile though thoughtfully agile heart
One that’s been cautiously torn apart
Someone who knew that they were broken from the start
Someone who is in perplex and shock, someone people usually mock

Quiet but deadly
And with love in stock
I am a part of the stricken, beaten but tender flock